I’m fresh into my 30’s, fresh out of a relationship and feel the noose of societal expectation tightening. Is this the time I should be looking for a husband type? Stop dating the type of men everyone in my family considers a phase? My older friends are finding any moment to sneak in, “yeah, maybe it’s time for you to find someone who can take care of you, something steadier”. I’d like to say I hold in my laughter as to not insult them, but I don’t. I have a tolerance for their lifestyle, sexless, loveless, and permanently annoyed by their life partners, they need to have tolerance for mine. For the most part they are supportive; they love my wild stories about which man I’m dating this week and what craziness ensued.
Before I come off sounding like an aging party girl, allow me to explain.
I got small town married at 17, then spent most of my 20’s trying to get a man twice my age to lock me down, followed by a string of relationships that I spent more time convincing myself to stay in then actually enjoying. My late teens and 20’s were a confusing time for me. I felt I needed to live up to my parents hopes but I knew I wasn’t being true to myself. I always chose inappropriate men, projected huge expectations on them and then blamed them for my unhappiness. When I reached 30 something shifted, I finally understand that my happiness is up to me. All these years spent not knowing what I truly wanted from myself, from life, and from the opposite sex, I’m finally getting it. I’m decidedly spending the next few years to figure that out, as opposed to getting married, giving birth and then likely divorced because I never took the time to know “me”.
My reasons for not looking for love…
1. I’m getting to know me. I’m listening to the voices in my head, sorting through the hormones and figuring out, “who is Alicia”. What makes me tick? What do I enjoy? What do I not want in my life? Who are my friends and why? Who do I admire and why? As much as I love sitting around and watching Sex and the city reruns, I’m getting in touch, on a minute to minute basis of what I actually want to be doing with my time. For the first time, I’m slowing down to hear myself and truly appreciate “me”.
2. I’m not having a baby, maybe ever. I’ve always known I don’t quite have the maternal gene. I don’t picture white picket fences and babies that look like me. I used to imagine myself adopting for the good of the world but the older that I get the further I feel from a position of caring for another human being to extent of motherhood. My point is that my biological clock is not ticking and definitely not a part of my life decisions. Marriage and babies has not been a goal of mine and I can’t see that changing anytime soon. With no rush to the altar or to carry children, I have the freedom to fall in love at any point in my life and hopefully I do many times.
3. After years of eating disorders, hating my body, and trying to be someone I’m not, I’m over it. I love myself, and my body just the way it is more and more every day. I’ve finally become the best friend I always wanted. I’m comfortable with who I am mentally, spiritually and physically. I allowed my Christian guilt to hold me back from having the sexual experiences I wanted because I didn’t understand sex from an empowered view point. My prowess as a women and a sexual being are peaking and I am loving it. I want to enjoy this time when I’m comfortable to hit on a man, tell him that I’m not looking for anything serious and mean it. I’m comfortable getting naked with the lights on, saying what I want and getting it. I feel powerful, honest, and for the first time that I have a choice. I want to revel in this, enjoy it, and solidify my new found confidence before sharing myself with another person.
4. I’m happy, why mess with that. For the first time in my life I am friends with women. Great women from all walks of life, feminists, entrepreneurs, love seeking singles, harlots, hard core monogamists, mothers, wives, hot messes and many more. I see myself in every one of them and find real solidarity that has hugely enhanced my life. I didn’t understand women in my 20’s, I was always competing and feeding into the machine that separates women from other women. Everything I thought I needed and could only get from an intimate relationship with a man, well I can get most of it and more from my tribe of women.
That’s where I’m at in life and I’m choosing to be present and enjoy every minute of it. It could change tomorrow, everyone could be right; I might wake up needing to have a baby. I doubt it but I’m open to anything.
Author Bio – Alicia Meek is a multi-passionate being running a healthy home cooking school in Vancouver, Canada. With a Diploma in Nutrition and Fitness, Alicia is all about practicing and sharing health and happiness. Teaching Zumba Monday to Friday, she spends her free time being outside as much as possible while finishing a book about dating and relationships.