I used to be obsessed with goal setting and changing my life, trying to find a way that could change the world. It was all based on good intentions, helping other people improve their lives. My way of doing this was to listen to everybody else’s ideas and copy what they do. And of course as I tried to live their life I would get lost, because it wasn’t mine. I read every self-help book I could get a hold of, becoming inspired by all these wonderful people who I wanted to be. Unfortunately, I would keep feeling that I failed because I couldn’t do it the way they could. Ultimately, I believed that they were better than me and that I was a failure. It was all very disappointing.
Somewhere along the way, I had stopped seeing me, listening to me, I had tried to become someone else because I thought they knew better. And then, I heard the story of the seed, and where it had been planted. That only when it was planted in a place where its roots could flourish, could it grow and become who it really was. I wanted to feel rooted, to stand tall and be who I was but I didn’t know how the hell to do it. How could I find a place that enabled me to be me? I didn’t have a clue. After living someone else’s life for so long I had no idea where I was supposed to grow. It was like everybody had their place except me, I was lost, just blowing in the wind.
And then I realised that everything that was in my past was already my roots, they were the foundation for exactly who I was. All those moments, difficult and beautiful, had created me, they had led me to where I was. Instead of lamenting and regretting those years, I saw them as exactly what I needed, to grow right where I was, I was already home. I didn’t need a map, I was already there.
I am already home, how comforting that is to write, and more importantly to believe. I don’t need to search for anything more, I am safe, when I am rooted in who I am. All that has been given to me has been exactly what I needed and by embracing life, in all its mysteries, I can let go of regret. I can also trust in all that is in front of me, I don’t need to be afraid, all that is waiting for me is carving out a me that excites me, rather than scares me.
And when I forget, as I always do, I will think of that seed and remember that I am already home. I will look out at the trees blowing gently, and remember. I will be brave enough to sit in the stillness and trust that I everything I need is in that moment, that I am exactly where I need to be, everything, even the fear, is blessing me. I will ease into where I am and become present to all that surrounds me, to feel grateful for all that I have and for that to be enough, nothing else.
Author Bio – Claire McWilliams is a writer, creator of the Just As I Am programme, trainer and coach. Her website can be found here.